I’m Going to Hell for Telling the Truth

First you say you don’t care
But then the next day you say you do
But I’m not giving you time to think it through
Because I already have
And I’m never coming back
A girl I didn’t know
Said I was stupid
I bet she was beautiful
I bet it’s useless
Information because all you wanted was my reaction
All you wanted was for me to get mad
To fill your satisfaction
Yeah, I am sad
I’m crying for you
My tears are tears of happiness
Cuz I know you don’t know how to tell the truth
Because the tears are for me
You’re self-centered
It’s all about you
It’s all bad weather
The sky is never blue
You said the tears were for you
But that’s just another lie you’ll tell
What you say is never ever true
I’m going to hell
For telling the truth to your face
I’m going to hell
For putting you in your place
I’m going to tell
you the truth
You’ll tell me lies
It’s useless
So goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Bright Blue Eyes

When I see you smiling I wonder why you are
Because you always seem to make your life so hard
Trying to get others to feel sorry for you
For you? Your eyes are bright blue
But no way are they true
Who are you trying to fool?
Trying to play it cool
Like you never knew
But you knew everything that I said
To you when you lost your head
So many thoughts before bed
Wanting to make the bathroom floor red
You prayed one day to be dead
And I said, I said don’t think
Don’t think about me
When those bright blue eyes of yours can’t see
In-between the lines of white
And you lose the fight
With the questions at night
Out of mind, out of sight
Where did I go?
I was told
You were too old
For these problems
And when I tried to solve them
You blamed me for all of them
Like you had no fault
Did a somersault
And flipped onto the next day
You just want to play
And have your mistakes fade
Don’t rain on my parade
Even if you had tried
I will always stay dry
And pretend I am fine
All I did was cry
For the wrong guy
His bright blue eyes
Staring at me
I heard the lies
But truth set me free.

Forget-Me-Not

I’m counting down the days
Until you come back from where you are
I wish I was in that place
But it’s so far, far away
I’ll just wait for now
I’ll be thinking about you
I’ll get by somehow
I have nothing to lose
I’m just waiting
Waiting for something to happen to me
Painting I’ll be creating
Expressing my misery
In bright colors
A beautiful garden
Admired by others
Let your shell harden
Writing my name
In the bottom right hand corner
Nail it to a wall, let it hang
Signed up as an organ donor
Visited a friend from 20 million miles away
Revved your engine
Not planning to stay
Just closed your eyes and imagined
A room full of people you didn’t know
But they smiled and danced like the rain falling down
It fell fast and then it fell slow
Your lips move but you don’t make a sound
They can’t hear you
But I guess that’s okay
You had nothing true
That you lips could say
But I still listened
And you smiled and said you are my best friend
So I smile and pretend
That this won’t be the end
It’s the end of my pain
Because I cover it up with an umbrella
Protecting me from the pain
I run away like Cinderella
But keep both of my shoes on
No man searched for me
My soul is honest
But it’s not free
It’s a ball and chain
The flowers bloom
The floral design on the frame
Surrounding the painting with invisible gloom
Color outside of the lines
No straight, no zigzag, no dotted
No go, no slow, no stop signs
The apples from the trees are rotten
I try to take a bite of them
And I taste dirt
There’s no juice left
This feeling hurts
Barren sky
Empty fields
No tears to cry
Bleeding but the wounds have healed
It just won’t come out
Out! Out! Come out darn stain
I can’t scream, I can’t shout
The feeling remains
But I can’t feel a thing
I can frown but feel nothing
It doesn’t sting
I can’t feel anything
I am so far,far away
From what is real
So I’ll keep waiting for the day
Until I can feel
When my heart starts to beat
And the line zigzags
Until someone takes a seat
And leans back
And closes their eyes
Not falling asleep
Until their body dies
And they awake in a dream
Collected memories
Like seashells from a beach
Like tombstones from a cemetery
Hold out your hands and reach
For the one that you’d swear you’d never touch
Grab it and put it back into your brain
You just need to learn to trust
Don’t forget, don’t erase
Things happen and we can’t change them
We all make mistakes
We just have to face them
Paintings of forget-me not’s
Bloom in the spring
That’s got to say a lot

We Are Nowhere

I’m writing a story with no ending
It will just go on and on
My pen will never run out of ink
There will be no more writers block
Just the pen moving
Without feeling
Just writing
My misery
Those sad blue eyes
Give me no mystery
I can see the lies
Here we go again
Touching lips
When we’re supposed to be just friends
But I have no regrets
I wanted to touch
I just wanted to forget
What killed our love?
What killed our love?
In the back of my mind I can see the future
The past is just a blur
We are nowhere
I don’t want to remember
So I keep on moving my pen
No feelings there
Here we go again
We are nowhere.

Forever

I tried so hard to believe in love
When I felt like it was just lust
I was free but I didn’t run
I thought I was able to trust

Now I’ve tripped over rocks and dirt
Just to be confused and unhappy
And here I am again feeling hurt
Sometimes I ask, what’s wrong with me?

Was it something I did?
I’m sorry I don’t know how to fix things
Thank you for getting rid of me
Now you’ve finally set me free

Into the cruel cold world
But I don’t mind that’s okay
I’m just a lost girl
But I’ll find my way
Without you

Yeah, none of it mattered
It was doomed from the start
I had so many questions that you couldn’t answer
You just wanted to break my heart

Everything you meant to me
Yeah, I know you did a lot for me
You’d buy me anything
And then end up making me feel guilty

I didn’t even buy it
Just like I’m not buying it now
So I’m just gonna stay quiet
I’m not gonna stick around

Like this anymore
Maybe I loved you
But I don’t know what for

I thought I knew you
But it was all a lie
You’re not the guy I thought you were
So this is goodbye,
Forever.

Green

Tell me you’re sorry
I tell you you’re not
You run out in a hurry
Like you got somewhere to go
But everybody knows that’s a lie
Because you spend your days alone
Under a the covers where you cry
I’m sorry that I’m not sorry
Maybe it’s because you deserve it
Yes, and I don’t care about you
I don’t care about all your lies and all your bullshit
Honey, I’m happy when I’m yellow and happy when you’re blue
Mixed those colors together and what do you get?
You get green
You haven’t learned yet
That everyone is mean
The sweetest smile is sugar coated with lies
But I know you’ll still fall for it
Because you can’t stand goodbyes
Paper or plastic?
I know you’ll choose plastic because it bends
Unlike paper that rips
Because I know you like to bend the truth
All the lies that spew from your lips
Permanent broken promises underground roots
Water them with dignity
Shine with hatred
I hope you feel happy
All the lies you watered
With green leafs sprouting
From the tiny branches
Keep on denying
No more chances
No more red
Only green
Only dead
Trees

Numb Heart

I thought you were different
But I was wrong
Just admit it
You’ve been so strong
But so weak at the same time
Darling, why are you sad?
Please don’t cry
It’s not that bad
You could make it worse
But that’s only because you try
You did it on purpose
Now you want to die
Stop where you are
Think about it
You still see the scars
Now it’s just become a habit
Looked in the mirror
See a smiling face
But on the inside so insecure
Can’t remember the name
Written on your hand
In black ink
No one understands
You don’t think
You just do
And you think you’re so strong
But you’re only confused
You were wrong
And you know it
And it’s hard to punch
But you can’t give up the fight
It’s not enough, it’s not enough
I never wanted to feel this way
I built up so many walls
And pushed love away
I don’t want my heart to feel anything at all

The Past Life

Some people only get old
But never grow up
At least that’s what I’ve been told
Maybe it’s true that I’ll never be enough
I get dirty looks everywhere I go
Charcoal black faces
I know they all know
My past mistakes
They stare at photographs
I gaze into a crystal ball
All they do is point and laugh
No one’s there to catch me when I fall
Break the concrete ground
Bend the wire fence
No one’s there to hear the sound
No one’s there to listen
But I was there
When you broke down
When no one else cared
I was around
But where were you?
When you got better
I remained blue
I never mattered
It’s all in the past
It’s gone
And I can’t take it back
I know what I did was wrong
But what can I do?
What can I do?
I’m afraid of what the future holds
I’ll smile but will I really be happy?
They’ll never grow old
And I’ll never be free.

Ten Years

You told me a story
I didn’t listen
I assumed it was boring
Oh I wish I had paid attention.

“When you’re young
You wish upon stars.”
I said okay
And laughed because I didn’t know what he was trying to say
So I just took a nap.

My wish never came true
the past seems so far
And the memories so new.

It’s been a decade
Ten years
And I’m staring at a grave
Eyes full of tears.

I thought back to the story
And all the years I ignored
It filled me with worry
About the things I never heard.
You said when I grow up the things I’d think were scary wouldn’t be anymore
I checked under the bed
And opened a door
He was right
It was all imaginary.

But it’s been ten years
And the closet still roars
And I still have the fears
Of the rumbling door.

It’s been ten years
A whole decade
And I still have fears
I’m still afraid
My wish still hasn’t come true and I don’t know what to do.

Do You Really Know What You’re Seeing?

When you’re sitting at a park, what do you see? Or in this case, what don’t you see?  

The words are simple, you see your bff Amy txt you a smiley face; a Facebook notification from Fed, and yes even your own face that is of course “selfie ready”. Now does that seem close to correct? If so, you should already know you’re missing out on what matters most because it is in fact all around you -The big blue bright sky filled with white plush clouds; little kids feeding the geese with bread crust, people walking their dogs, your child wanting an underdog but you’re “too busy” with your phone to do so, these are all things that are just begging for some attention! People everyday are losing those moments and it is not just something someone can just fix on their own.                                         To me it is considered heartbreaking and undeniable that it will and and can be hard to stop, like an addict who can’t put down the drugs, we are all addicted. Speaking from an 18 year old girls point of view, there is no point in wasting time looking at a screen all day long when most of the time all it has to offer is bs and garbage.                         I admit giving up my phone has been hard but now as I start to feel more free without it, I feel better about myself – I still like to listen to music when I paint; I like to hang out with friends give them a call, and I love to write on this blog and I’ve been enjoying time without my phone, without my phone I feel like I’m not missing a thing.                     
In the end, my txts have become Amy waving hello; my Facebook notifications have become a tap on the shoulder to join Fred on a walk, my “selfie” has become a mirror to look at myself for a quick minute. Without my phone I see things for what they are not for how they reflect on a screen.